Your Black Friday Essentials

November 23, 2012 • COMMENTARY, PARODY

It’s Black Friday! Aren’t you excited? If you’re anything like me, you love feeling the adrenaline pumping through your veins as you count down the minutes until the big box stores open their doors for those once a year sales. In order to make sure you get the most of this post T-Day holiday, I’ve culled a list of essentials to get you through the retail madness. You are at the mall already, aren’t you?

Pepper Spray
Look, you never know when a rabid shopper will go berserk.  Ensure you get the “2-for-1 Made in China” deal by blinding any potential competition.

Adult Diapers
Who has time to use the bathroom? There are deals to be had, people. Strap on a portable poop receptacle and don’t waste any precious time.

Pizza Delivery
No time to grab a bite to eat? Just have your food come to you. Skip the food court, hit up the nearest delivery option, and pick a location close to the store entrance to guarantee faster service.

U-Haul or RV
Show them how much you care by renting a U-Haul to really stock up on gifts. Or better yet, get an RV and camp out in front of the store so you’ll know you’re first in line. Your family will understand why you couldn’t spend Thanksgiving Day with them when you tell them how much money you spent on their presents.

Prescription Drugs
Now is not the time to give up caffeine. In fact, you should put out a Craigslist ad searching out cheap Adderall. What’s that? You didn’t?! Too late; all the good stuff is gone already.

Payday Loans
Assuming you’re still paying off your credit cards from last year, I’d just say to hell with it and go crazy. We’re all gonna die anyway. Might as well live it up, right? Hit up a payday loan place instead. Don’t worry, they only look seedy from the outside.

Slept in? Don’t worry. There’s always Cyber Monday.

Christy Lorio

Christy is the founder of Slow Southern Style, a style blog highlighting her favorites in fashion and culture below the Mason-Dixon line. She lives on Freret Street with her husband, a greyhound and a healthy amount of cats.

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I am no longer allowed to have pepper spray since I accidentally sprayed myself last week. Guess I'll have to fall back on the Vulcan neck pinch.

Alicia Knight
Alicia Knight

Smart girls! Will keep it for the years to com


Unfortunately it is totally true. I was trying to figure out how to use it and thought it was empty. Luckily I sprayed my shirt and could run out of the room. And the stuff lingers too. But no, I don't know how to do the Vulcan neck pinch....

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